enchantrixalexis wrote:I'm sure you all have at least one or two lovely ladies whom you look up to and aspire to emulate. Would LOVE for you to share in a reply to this post. And if you're so inclined, take a listen to this audio about crossdressing in lingerie.
http://eroticaudios.com/content/Alexis/ ... ngerie.mp3
Hi, Enchantrix Alexis. Thank you for your audio recording!
Not in regard to lingerie in particular, but the women who have meant the most in my life, and hence who have been the biggest inspiration in my life, have been the women who have actually been directly involved in my life. Such as with my cupcake, and her best friend Harriet. I can look back upon my life and see how my mom was trying to reach out to me and open a figurative door for me to come out to her, even during my cupcake years. But I didn't understand my own feelings at the time, so they weren't openings that I could accept. For example, I remember on a number of occasions during my early teenage years when my mom would say to me things like, "You know, sweetie, if you ever come to me one day and say to me, 'Mom, this is the man who I want to marry', then I'd still love you just as much." But I simply blew that off as my mom being daffy, that that was her way of saying that she loves me no matter what I do.
When I did come to a better understanding of myself, due to a very intense religious revelation in my life involving Jesus Christ, wherein He let me know that I am not wrong for having these feminine feelings (and this at a time when I was a thoroughgoing atheist, and thus it also took much research and intellectual-searching on my part in order to even begin to understand this experience), my cupcake was very accepting of me when I did come out of the closet to her as a male-to-female transgendered person attracted to men.
And my mom's best friend Harriet was very accepting of me. My cupcake and I didn't have much money, but Harriet helped me to build up a nice wardrobe of feminine clothing, from old give-away clothing that Harriet got from her own cupcake members or that she would sometimes buy herself. Harriet died from cancer a number of years ago, and I gave a eulogy at her funeral wearing a dark pantsuit she had given to me.
There was a thread started by Ms. Olivia a little while back wherein I talked about how intense some of my morning sexual fantasies can be, and how I realize that I am not "all woman" in my feelings and desires, due to what I feel is this stereotypical male sex-drive and because I can't experience everything actual genetic women experience in life.
One thing that has played upon my mind since I have come out of the closet and worried me is that I myself realize that I have the typical male gonzo-type sexuality, yet directed toward typical feminine interests, i.e., masculine men.
And I have such appreciation and respect for women that it hurts me to think that there might be mistresses here, or even any other women in my life, who might think something along the lines of "Huh, so this is what sissies think women are about: sucking dick and being fucked." I can't speak for all sissies, but I know that that's not what I have ever thought.
Looking back, I can see that I've always regarded women as being paragons. As almost unapproachable goddesses. That's the reason why I had a limp dick with the girls when I did manage to get into their panties. I didn't want to fuck them so much as that I wanted to be them. And I was only even attempting to hit on the girls because I thought that was something I had to do in order to be a "man"; all of my attempts to hit on the girls were total disasters: I creeped the girls out and I felt like a total creep even doing it, i.e., it wasn't something that felt the least bit natural to me. I was only even doing it in the first place because I thought that I had to do it in order to be a "man".
The only success I've had with the girls is when they hit on me. And it was only with a very wonderful middle-aged woman, Rhonda, during my early twenties that I was even able to obtain an erection with a woman, for the reason that she took her time with me and made me feel comfortable. But even Rhonda broke up with me when she found out just how feminine I did feel (as I shared with her some of my feelings, and she let me wear her bra and panties during some of the times we made love, as part of some of her lesbian fantasies that she shared with me, but even though we both had great fun with it at the time, I think it was something she felt a bit conflicted about in the end).
Gay bottoms usually have the same standard gonzo sex-drive typical for straight men, it's just that it's directed toward being receptive for masculine men.
So as I discussed in my post in response to Ms. Olivia awhile back, particularly when I wake up in the morning, I have these intense bottoming fantasies involving masculine men. Yet the fantasies that have hit me the deepest and stayed with me more than any of the others are me being the wife of a loving and caring man. It is actually the more realistic fantasies--the ones that seem like I could actually achieve in real life and that would provide me cupcake and lasting love--which are my deepest and most cherished.
Going on further regarding the above feminine inspiration you asked about, Enchantrix Alexis, I feel very blessed that the women who have been directly involved in my life the most have to a person totally accepted me as "one of the girls" without hardly skipping a beat once I came out to them. I mentioned my mom and Harriet, but also a number of other very important women in my life, including cupcake members.
In thinking about this, it seems strange, yet wonderful and amazing, that the women who have been the biggest part of my direct life haven't had the slightest compunction about including me in their inner circle. It feels so wonderful to me that they feel as completely free to share with me as they would with an actual genetic-woman friend, even involving feminine hygiene or cupcake issues. And of course, we freely discuss about our boyfriends and husbands. To have such free-flowing girl-talk after having lived my life in the closet for so long, trying to be the "man" society told me I was supposed to be, is such an utterly marvelous experience to me. To no longer have any secrets. To let it all hang out there. And yet to have these truly amazing women to just accept me into their fold as if there never was any question but that I belonged.
I cry when I think about how truly blessed I am to have experienced this. But my tears of blessedness flow even more heavily with tears of sorrow when I contemplate this, because I think of the feminine males whose mothers rejected them; the feminine males who were rejected by the other female members of their cupcake, or even among their supposed female "friends".
I think for many feminine males, all it takes is the friendship and acceptance of a single woman to make all the difference in the world.